Children are becoming experts on technology younger than ever before.  It’s not uncommon to see toddlers entertained with iPads, elementary school children with cell phones and middle school kids on social media. If you have a teenager, you’re well aware that their entire life seems to revolve around their phone.  Social media has replaced in-person interactions which makes us question whether or not our children’s social skills are suffering.  Cyber bullying is far too common as kids feel a level of anonymity on the internet.  Many children and teenagers are unfortunately learning the hard way that what they type or post is forever.  Below are 3 things to consider when exploring how to get your kids off their phones.

1. Phones are a privilege, not a right.  While your child may boast that everyone in their class has a phone, there should be no pressure to get them one.  Having a cell phone is a privilege that is earned, and can also be taken away at any point.  Some parents may not provide that day’s wifi password until chores are complete.  Or only allow the phone to be used once all homework has been completed. Grades dropping? Take the phone away until they come up.   
2. Plan tech free activities. If you are spending time as a family, set the expectation that phones are off limits.  This includes everyone.  Attending a sporting event or going out to dinner does not require cell phones.  Teach your child that if they’re too focused on the world they see through their phones, they make actually miss out on enjoying the world around them.
3. Set limits. Parents have every right to limit the use of electronics.  There are many parental controls put in place by cell phone providers or programs that allow you to set what hours your child can use their phone, limit which apps are downloaded, monitor internet activity, and access who your child is communicating with.  While they may argue that you’re not allowing them privacy, consider an agreement that you’ll only access this information if you have a reason.  

Not all technology is bad though when it comes to your kids.  Some parents find a sense of relief knowing their children can access them immediately if there were to be an emergency.  Setting up location services on your child’s phone can keep you informed of their whereabouts. Assistive technology for children with disabilities, homework help websites, and apps designed to teach kids coping skills are just a few examples of the ways technology can support positive child development.  It is also common for teachers and schools to rely on different websites, apps and email to communicate information and enhance learning.   Cell phones can be a valuable tool in your child’s life, but it’s up to the parents to teach responsible use.

If you are concerned about your child’s dependence on electronics, the staff at Gurnee Counseling Center can help.  Contact us at (847) 336-5621 for more information.  

Like many others, I often start my day by scrolling through a couple of my favorite social media sites as I enjoy my morning coffee.  One recent morning though, I had just had enough.  I thought about how many times I spent picking up my phone throughout the day and how those minutes were taking away from the many other things I enjoy doing.  I love planning vacations, taking walks, reading, spending time with friends and family, and participating in the many activities Chicagoland has to offer.  I became determined to focus on these activities, not my phone.  I challenge you to do the same!

The rise of social media, in particular, has had many negative effects on some people.  It can be easy to feel jealous or lonely after viewing images of other people’s social activities or accomplishments. The constant scrolling through news stories can result in stress and fatigue.  The harmful impact being on your phone has on sleep is also well researched.  The issue of cell phone and electronic dependence is a reality for some.  Internet addictions are just as real as a gambling addictions and may require treatment.  While this is not what the average adult is dealing with, many of us would still admit to spending a substantial amount of time on our devices.

My challenge to you is to plan a “digital detox.”  Whether it’s for an hour, a day, or a week make a commitment to detox.  Pledge to stay off social media, ignore the alerts popping up on your screen, leave the work emails at work.  Take notice of how this impacts you. While initially you may feel like you’re missing something, ultimately you may notice yourself more relaxed.  You’ll be more present in the moment. You’ll free up time for home projects you’ve put off. You’ll be more available and approachable to those around you if you’re focus is not on a device in your hand. So as you finish this article I ask you to join me in the following challenge; get off your phone!  Read that book that has been on your shelf for months. Go outside. Make plans with your friends or family and commit to technology free time together. Take in the sights and sounds of the world around you.

If you are looking for more ideas on how to implement a digital detox, the staff at Gurnee Counseling Center can help. Contact us at (847) 336-5621 for more information. Looking for ways to get your kids off of their electronic devices too? Stay tuned for our next article!

Sure, we’ve all made New Year’s resolutions. I too have promised myself that I would start eating healthier, join a gym, and finally organize that hallway closet on January 1st only to have my goals fall short.  Rather than making individual resolutions this year, consider making resolutions as a family.  Sit down together to brainstorm things you can all work on and post them somewhere in the house as a constant reminder.  Help hold each other accountable by setting dates throughout the year to revisit your family resolutions and asses your progress.  Below are 5 suggested resolutions to get your family on the path to a happy and healthy 2017.  

1.  Less Screen Time.  If you look around and notice that your teenager is Snapchatting, your other child is playing Minecraft and your spouse is checking Twitter for the latest news all while you’re checking the final score of last night’s game on the ESPN app, your family may need less screen time.  Make a pact to spend less time on your phones.  No electronics after 7pm, for example, will allow for more face-to-face interaction.  Many studies have shown that children’s social and communication skills are negatively impacted if they spend too much time on electronics. 

2.  Get Moving.  If your family spends more time on the couch than on their feet, it may be time to get more active together.  Look into fitness classes or team sports at your local park district.  Go for walks through the nearest forest preserve as a family if the weather permits.  Look into investing in pedometers or fitness trackers for each family member as a way to encourage some friendly competition.  Consider fun challenges, like whoever gets the most steps in a day gets relieved of cleanup after dinner that night.  

3.  Save Money.  Learning the value of money is helpful even for younger children.  Whether it’s your 3rd grader earning an allowance for doing chores or encouraging your teenager to seek a part time job, teaching the value of money and encouraging saving is important.  Set a good example by reviewing your own finances.  Setting financial goals, reviewing your life insurance policies, or setting up college savings accounts are just a couple things to do to ensure your family’s needs are being met in the future.

4.  Worry Less. Think about what worrying has done for you.  Has it helped solve a problem? Prepare you for the worst? Make you feel better? I’m guessing the answer to all of these questions is no but yet many of us spend precious minutes every day worrying. When you notice a family member worrying, allow them to talk through their worries but help them to use their time in a more positive or productive way.

5. Get a Hobby.  Spending less time on electronics may result in your children (or yourself!) feeling bored.  Hobbies may include anything from do-it-yourself home projects to playing an instrument or learning another language. Encouraging hobbies to do either individually or as a family will help fill the time typically spent online.  Trying out a couple different hobbies may even result in a new passion or undiscovered talent for one of your family members.

These are just a few ideas for resolutions to help your family grow throughout the year. On behalf of Gurnee Counseling Center, I’d like to wish you and your loved ones a Happy New Year!  Please keep in mind that if your family could use some help setting goals, improving communication or reducing conflict, our staff can help.  Contact us at (847) 336-5621 for more information.

It’s no secret that people often struggle with change. Leaving behind what is familiar and venturing into unknown territory can be scary. The stage of change model, developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente in the 1970s, indicates that there are five stages that one goes through when making a significant change.

Precontemplation­ I see no need to change

Contemplation­ maybe I want to change, maybe I don’t. I am “on the fence.”

Preparation­ I’ve made up my mind I want to change. What’s next? What are some goals?

Action­ Doing what needs to be done to begin to change.

Maintenance­ A continual action that keeps me moving forward.

As a therapist, I see many people stuck in the contemplation stage of change. I think of this as the “should I or shouldn’t I” stage of making a decision. This is commonly called ambivalence. When you are ambivalent, you see positives and negatives for both making a change and not changing. Below is a helpful tool that helps you look at your reasons for changing, and your reasons for not making a change. Once this ambivalence is resolved or its power decreased, great growth can be made.

Aside from this chart, to move out of the contemplation stage and into preparation, it helps to ask yourself these questions.

Am I ready?

“Readiness” is about time. Have I committed to doing this now? Do I still have excuses about why I should wait, and are these valid? The truth is that sometimes, people never really feel “ready.” If you don’t feel ready, ask yourself when you WILL be ready. If you don’t have a clear and concrete answer, then this is a good indicator to just do it now.

Am I able? Able is about resources. What do I need to successfully do this? Who can and will be likely to help me? What obstacles might stand in my way?

Am I willing? Willing is about motivation. How much work will I put into making this change? Do I have a plan that is both effective and realistic? How will I maintain a positive attitude?

Most people have struggled with ambivalence and uncertainty at some point in their life. Sometimes people have unhelpful beliefs about themselves, others, and the world that keep them stuck. Often these beliefs are so deep­seated that they are outside our awareness, and they go unchallenged. Great growth can occur with people who challenge themselves and their old beliefs.

If you would like to further discuss making a change in your life, contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC at (847) 336-5621 x151.

Six years ago our oldest, Gina, went off to college among the Minnesota bluffs of the Mississippi River. When she chose Winona State, I was reminded of the comment someone had made about finding a wedding dress:   when it’s the right one, you’ll feel it.  After several road trips to try on universities, Gina had that feeling about Winona State.  We’d spent a morning with the admissions counselor, and after a tour of the campus, Gina turned to me on the quad with a smile and a glow in her face that will be etched in my mind forever – she’d found her fit.

On the day Gina packed to leave for school, Jay and I slipped out to the Adirondack chairs in the backyard and began to grieve the leaving of our energetic, cheerful daughter.  We talked as if a chunk of the sun was disappearing and we couldn’t imagine how our family would get along without it.  There we sat, looking back on her childhood, regretting not travelling to all the places we would have liked, not teaching her all the things that suddenly felt important in a way they hadn’t before.  We felt cheated.  There hadn’t been enough time to accomplish all of that.  Our hearts were screaming out—we needed more time.

Then it hit me; we’d done a fine job of preparing Gina for the world.  And we actually had taken her on many memorable vacations.  We’d given much thought to what behavior we modeled for her and what experiences we exposed her to.  And we had fun, lots of it.  Did we really have much to regret about how we brought her up?  But that was exactly the point:  the everyday moments of parenting defined us.  Gina and Lexi gave us purpose and joy, and those childrearing years were beginning to end.  We never failed to savor them, and now Gina, and later Lexi, would be spending more moments away from us than with us.

I’ve been thinking back on that day ever since I received a card from my college pal, Mary.  Her eldest is heading off to college, her middle child has just gotten a driver’s license and her youngest is working towards becoming an Eagle Scout.  The weight of her son leaving home and her younger kids reaching milestones that mark their progress towards adulthood has touched a tender spot in her heart.  She mentioned trying to see the “happy” in all this, knowing I’ve always stressed enjoying the moment since children grow so fast.  I want to assure her that she can relax and have fun now because life will continue to be full and rich even after her children leave home.  But I share that tender spot and know I couldn’t be convinced of that until I experienced it for myself.

On that day six years ago, before heading back inside to help Gina, Jay and I quit distracting ourselves with judging whether we’d done a good enough job parenting.  Instead we showed compassion for one another as we began to navigate this next stage of our married life. And somewhere deep down I felt confident that our love for one another would carry us.  It would expand to fit the everyday nooks and crannies that would be left vacant as our first born headed off to college.

Later that evening several friends, whose kids would also be leaving for school, came to sit with me at my kitchen table, supporting me, as I was the first.  We laughed and cried, and again I experienced a tinge of that feeling, that sense that even while life would be different, it could be fulfilling in a new way.

And there was always that image of Gina’s face, illuminated with the promise of exciting endeavors beyond her childhood home, to remind me of exactly what we’d been preparing her for all along, and life was as it should be.

This post was originally published on Gayle’s blog, Life in the Turn Lane – http://lifeintheturnlane-gayle.blogspot.com/2011/07/when-first-kid-left-home.html