Clients often come to me with concerns regarding a family member’s substance use.  It can be challenging to live with or to set boundaries with someone in the midst of an addiction.

Loved ones are often confused, frustrated, and unsure how to respond to addictive behaviors. While not easy, there are things to consider and some concrete steps you can take.  Sometimes, when you begin making changes in your life and set boundaries with the person abusing substances, they as well are encouraged to get the help they truly need.

Consider the following when examining your own behavior:

Increase your awareness of anything you may do that keeps your loved one from facing the consequences of their addiction.  These are enabling behaviors. Some examples would be repeatedly bailing your loved one out of jail, calling in sick to work for them, buying them alcohol or drugs, drinking and/or using drugs with them, listening to their excuses to drink or use, etc.  Expect that your loved one may protest when you stop some of these behaviors, but consider that facing consequences may be a big motivator for change.  Also, if you set a limit with your addicted family member, it is important to follow through so they know you mean it.  If you want to help financially and you have the resources to do so, consider paying for their treatment, and possibly, basic needs.  Giving cash or paying for unnecessary items is likely to prevent your loved one from dealing with the reality of their situation.

Look at getting yourself into treatment, if possible.  Through treatment you can learn what you can and can’t control.  Sometimes a loved one becomes so wrapped up in trying to manage their loved one that they lose their sense of self and have extreme difficulty with boundaries.  This is codependency- basically, the belief that “I’m okay as long as I can make sure you are okay!”

I do not recommend couples counseling when one partner is active in an addiction, especially when an addicted partner doesn’t believe their use is a problem.  The reason for this is partly because it is important for the non-addicted partner to realize they cannot force a person to quit, and they cannot control that person. Through individual work they can learn helpful techniques in setting boundaries and can work on themselves.

Participate in Al-Anon meetings.  Al-Anon is designed for family members of those with addictions.  It is a place to talk with others who may be experiencing similar issues. In Al-Anon you learn the 3 Cs, that “I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Cure it, and I can’t Control it.”

If you have tried Al-Anon and found it to not be helpful for you, another option may be Smart Recovery’s Family and Friend’s program.  Learn more here:  http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm

When someone you love has an addiction, you may feel helpless, sad, or angry.  All these feelings and more are common.  If you are used to “over-doing” for your loved one, expect that some of these new behaviors may feel foreign to you, or perhaps even harsh.  It is important for you to explore how you can truly help your loved one while setting healthy boundaries and also taking care of yourself.

If you have a loved one with an addiction and would like to set up an appointment, contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC at 847-336-5621 x151.

In my work as a therapist, I enjoy using various assessments and personality tests that can aid clients in their journey to self-awareness and personal growth.  The Enneagram is a personal favorite of mine and can be a great tool to help you delve into a deep understanding of yourself.  The enneagram helps us understand our compulsive, unconscious drives.  Anyone that wonders, “why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again,” and all of us wonder that time to time, could benefit from the wisdom of the enneagram.

The Enneagram takes into account how various unconscious messages heard during childhood may affect your personality.  In our childhood, we begin to develop our way of relating to the world, based on what our experiences were as well as our own natural temperament.  Then patterns develop, and sometimes certain patterns don’t work for us. The Enneagram also helps us further understand our strengths and weaknesses.

There are nine different personality types, and with each type, there is an explanation of how that type functions at a healthy level, and average level, and an unhealthy level.

The nine types are as follows:

1- The Perfectionist (the rational, idealistic type)

2-The Helper (the caring, interpersonal type)

3-The Achiever (the success oriented, pragmatic type)

4- The Individualist (the sensitive, withdrawn type)

5-The Investigator (the intense, cerebral type)

6-The Loyalist (The committed, security oriented type)

7-The Enthusiast (The busy, fun-loving type)

8-The Challenger (The powerful, dominating type)

9-The Peacemaker (The easygoing, self-effacing type)

The following is a link to the test: http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/dotest.php (there are many free tests available online.)

Here is another website about the enneagram, as well as another enneagram test, you might find helpful –  https://www.enneagraminstitute.com.

If you explore more deeply, you will learn some concepts that further explain your enneagram type, such as wings, security points, stress points, and instincts. There are many components to the enneagram. If you are interested, there are MANY helpful books to further your understanding, including the following:

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types by Don Riso

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut

Keep in mind that no types are right or wrong, and no test can fully explain you. However, this can be good a starting point in gaining clarity, further understanding our strengths and weaknesses, and understanding differences between people.  Plus, it can be fun and you may find yourself having some “a-ha!” moments when you read a description of your type. For more information on the enneagram and how it can provide insight for your life, contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC at (847) 336-5621 x151

Often I meet parents who are worried, sad, and even confused about their child’s mood. They feel like they can’t keep up, or they don’t understand where the mood changes are coming from. This leads to more frustration and feeling helpless. A good place for families to start is with mood tracking. Mood tracking is simply keeping a record of the child’s mood in the form of a word, journal entry, number, or other standardized system.

Each child is different. Some may need to track their mood a few times a day – morning, afternoon, and night. Others can track just once per day. The idea is to help the child communicate how they’re feeling to their parents and other professionals (school social worker, psychiatrist, therapist, etc.). It seems best to check in at least once per day, and review over the course of a week. You may notice patterns in mood, hopefully helping to pinpoint difficult triggers.

This allows the child to feel more understood and helps parents feel more connected and helpful in their child’s treatment. Understanding one another brings peace and closeness. Many kids enjoy tracking on their phone, whether it be by using an app or in a note format. Using colorful journals or paper to track can be helpful for those who like to use artistic expression.

Mood tracking is particularly helpful with kids experiencing intense emotions, suicidal ideation, or those who are struggling with self-harm, but it can be a great tool for any family. This can be handy for kids who are opening up to a professional, but struggle to open up to their parents, or vise-versa. It can also be helpful when beginning with a new professional.

I encourage parents to work closely with the professionals in their child or adolescent’s life. Be an active part of their treatment, because the true change happens outside of the therapy room.

Techniques to try:

• Share the best and worst part of your day. This is good to involve the whole family at the dinner table.
• Help the child create a “1-10 Scale of (name).” Have them agree to share more if their daily number is below a 5. Using a number helps parents get an idea of where their child is at emotionally, but gives the child space. Example provided below.
• Utilize mood tracking apps for those with phone or tablet access. Examples include: Moodlytics, In Flow, iMoodJournal, Happier, and Optimism.
• Encourage children to create a photo diary with captions. Photos can be taken by the child or found on the internet and should represent how they feel.
• Creating an online forum just for mood tracking that parents and professionals can log on to monitor.

Other tips:

• Help your child understand that mood tracking helps parents and professionals help them. If they understand the benefit, they are more likely to be open and honest.
• Start with a list of emotions to encourage proper usage. Are you mad, or are you actually disappointed? Are you annoyed or instead confused?
• Focus on responding appropriately: Use empathy, don’t make assumptions, ask how to help instead of assuming, show appreciation, and express pride in how your child is doing.
• Work together to pick the best time to check in each day. For example, a quick chat after dinner may be more ideal than while rushing to sports practice.
• Ultimately, encourage kids to be creative. The more they make it their own, the more helpful it will be.

Example:

1-10 Scale of (name)

10 – Best day ever

9 – Most things went my way

8 – Mostly positive day, had fun with my friends

7 – A few good things happened

6 – Ok day, nothing special

5 – On the edge

4 – Really anxious and nervous

3 – Mostly sad

2 – Very anxious and depressed

1 – The worst day – nothing is going right

If you’d like to learn more about mood tracking, or you think your child or adolescent would benefit from mood tracking, contact Christine Taylor, LCPC at (847) 336-5621 x123.

Ariele is the embodiment of motion – graceful, focused, and determined – she brings a new dimension of skills to the Gurnee family. A registered dance/movement therapist, licensed professional counselor, she is also a yoga and prenatal yoga teacher. Through her practice, Ariele guides her clients to try on new qualities of actions and behaviors and learn to move in ways that are authentic to their own feelings.

She works with children from age four, adolescents and adults with a focus on depression, anxiety and body/food issues. Her approach is holistic. She incorporates all aspects of body, mind, diet, activity level, relationships, and environment into her wellness plans. Mindfulness, which includes breath work and meditation, and cognitive behavior therapy are additional components to her counseling.

Ariele as worked in day treatment programs, in patient psychiatric units and private practice for over two years. Outside her work, she practices yoga on a daily basis. In her spare time, she loves arts and crafts projects, and restoring old furniture.

To schedule an appointment with Ariele, please contact our front office at (847) 336-5621.

Several years ago, as I was driving home to Illinois from a friend’s home in Indianapolis, I drove east on I-94 instead of west. This wouldn’t have been a problem if I caught it quickly. However, that’s not what happened at all, and before you know it I saw the sign WELCOME TO OHIO. Can you imagine? My heart sank. Basically, I drove SEVERAL HOURS in the wrong direction.

You might be wondering, how does somebody drive hours in the wrong direction before realizing it? Trust me, I was wondering too (as was my husband, who had to deal with me crying on the phone while simultaneously wondering how did she DO that?) It’s pretty well known among friends and family I have no sense of direction, but this was pretty bad. Admittedly I felt pretty dumb about it for quite awhile afterwards.

Luckily, I know I’m not the only one who has done something and later thought to themselves, “how did I manage that one!?” Mistakes, big and small, illustrate to us the importance of dealing with reality as it is and not how we want it to be, paying attention to our lives and what goes on around us, and accepting parts of ourselves we maybe don’t want to accept. The great part about mistakes is that if we choose to, we get to learn something about ourselves, reflect, and choose differently next time.

I like to think of my little journey to Ohio as a good metaphor for denial. Denial is not admitting that there is a problem. Most people associate denial with addiction. However, denial can creep up in a lot of areas in our life. At its best, it protects us until we are ready to deal with a problem. At its worst, it convinces us in the long term there is not a problem (even when there is.) Luckily, my denial in this instance didn’t come with any devastating consequences (just a really long drive back to IL!) but often denial of reality can be very problematic.

Looking back, there were MANY obvious clues I was going the wrong way. But when we are in denial, we ignore or rationalize away anything that doesn’t fit in to what we want to believe. In denial, you will ignore many signs that may prove your version of reality wrong, but because you are so set in believing what you wanted to believe, you ignore them. Dealing with our denial means working with a far less pretty picture of reality, and maybe coming to terms that there is some work ahead of us.

We all have parts of ourselves we don’t like. I’m still just terrible with directions. But now that I can be more self-aware, I can be very conscious when I’m driving or parking my car to be aware of my surroundings and where I am going. So if I’m with a friend, they might laugh when I have to text to myself exactly where I parked- but I’ll know what’s best for me and what I need to do because I’m honest with myself.

If any of this resonates with you, feel free to contact me, Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC  at (847) 336-5621 x151.

If you’ve been out and about shopping this past holiday season or on social media, you’ve most likely encountered the new and burgeoning craze of adult coloring books. This is a calorie free, chemical free way to relax and unwind. Plus, it’s inexpensive and doesn’t require many materials.

Coloring is definitely not just for kids. Coloring for adults can be a short or long activity—a quick break or a longer activity to get away from it all. What matters most, like any other activity, is bringing your mind, breath, and presence to it.

Here are some ideas to keep in mind to maximize your time coloring as a mindful practice:

Find a coloring book with designs that you enjoy and can appreciate their beauty. There are so many options (geometric, mandalas, nature themes, etc) that you can find one that brings you joy and excitement to get started.

• Treat yourself to some materials that you will look forward to using – a fresh pack of crayons, markers, colored pencils, or gel pens, and designate them in a special spot just for your coloring time.
• Approach each portion of what you’re coloring slowly and carefully and try to stay relaxed.
• This is key! Give your full attention to the activity. But first, take a moment to notice your posture and whether you are comfortable and ready.
• Notice the colors of the crayons or pencils and take a moment to notice the flow of the lines on the coloring page. Slowly pick up a crayon or pencil and pay attention to your body’s movement. Once you are holding a drawing utensil, notice how it feels in your hand.
• As you start drawing, pay attention to how coloring the paper feels. Does it make any sounds? Try to draw on all your senses. Slow the process down and be mindful of each step as it flows into the next step. Enjoy the process.

When you are done, you can enjoy the beautiful works of art you have created all while relaxing, remaining mindful, and taking a break from the everyday stresses of life!

The holidays are a mixed bag of emotions for many people, myself included. I can relate to my clients when they say things like…

“I miss break.”

“I don’t want to go back to real life.”

“I’m so glad the holidays are over.”

“I am ready for routine again.”

There are some wonderful parts of seeing loved ones, time off work, giving and receiving gifts, yummy holiday foods, the list goes on… the other side of that coin is often feeling worn out, frustrated with family, missing loved ones or feeling unappreciated. It can be easy to lose the focus of what we’re celebrating and why.

I would challenge you, as I challenge myself, to consider two things, “What parts of the holiday season can I carry over throughout the year?” and “What parts of the next holiday season can I have a better handle on?”

For some it may be making more time to be with family throughout the year. For others, it may be creating healthy boundaries with family. Maybe making time to be intentional about keeping in touch with loved ones – through cards, calling, and social media instead of waiting for their annual Christmas card update. Perhaps you need to limit your gift giving circle to avoid lingering debt that lasts months.

Other suggestions include:

• Creating time for extra relaxation and sleep

• Thoughtfully giving gifts

• Making time for baking and cooking, perhaps providing for a neighbor, friend, or someone in need

• Volunteering your time or donating to a charity regularly

• Taking and sharing more photos of your family

• Attending church or religious activities more regularly

• Having pleasant conversation topics ready in your mind before social gatherings

I have found that reflecting now on what was challenging and what was extra special can help make next year’s holiday season more pleasant. It is like making a recipe over and over. If after making the recipe the first time I make notes of what I altered, I’m more likely to make the recipe closer to my liking the second time. If I do not take the time to make notes, I end up forgetting what I liked or didn’t like the first time and make the same mistakes the second time.

I plan to tuck a note card into the month of December in my appointment planner reminding me to mail my Christmas cards before the 15th, expect that certain family member to be loud and annoying, allow myself to sleep in after a long day with loved ones, make time for ice skating, and be sure to savor every bite of my great grandmother’s butter rolls at Christmas dinner.

As we’re getting back into our routines, we can all benefit from reflecting back on some of the moments we cherished this past season. What reminders will you leave for yourself?

Each year, my good friend Pastor Bob Davis offers a Blue Christmas service art Holy Cross Lutheran Church. The service aims to provide a safe and welcoming place during the holiday season for the many people struggling emotionally during this time of the year. This service is intelligent, reflective and hopeful. It honors our losses – people, family losses, work related losses, lost dreams, disappointments etc. This service says there is a place during this holiday season for authenticity, especially when that doesn’t fit the expectations for joy and celebration that most imagine accompanies the holidays.

I’ve attended many of these services throughout the years and feel that this is a missing piece in our holiday traditions. Please consider attending this service if you’re looking for an opportunity to revisit your faith in the middle of your struggle. This uplifting service is open to people of all faith backgrounds. I’ll look forward to seeing you at one of the most meaningful events of the holiday season.

From the Heart,

Phil Kirschbaum, LCSW

Gurnee Counseling Center

Blue Christmas Flyer

December 13 at 7:30 PM

Holy Cross Lutheran Church

29700 N. St. Mary’s Road

Libertyville, IL 60048

(847) 367-4060